Just Like A 40-Degree Day

Hairs

2011-05-07T10:03:00.002-04:00

Rob Etherington has nice hairs.

Cankles

2011-01-31T12:15:00.000-05:00

From: Megan
To: Jordan
Date: October 26, 2010 10:30 AM

Hey,

I used you as a reference for my car... is that ok?

Thank you,

Megan

From: Jordan
To: Megan
Date: October 26, 2010 10:33 AM

Megan,

What entails me being a "reference"?

Thank you,

Jordan

From: Megan
To: Jordan
Date: October 26, 2010 10:36 AM

Jordan,

You just have to basically say that I am who I say I am... they didn't really give me any details.

Thank you,

Megan

From: Jordan
To: Megan
Date: October 26, 2010 10:39 AM

Megan,

Okay, I will tell them that you are who you say you are. If you would like I can also discuss with them alternate options to the standard pedal design in the model of car you are purchasing, as I cannot imagine driving with cankles such as yours is very safe.

Thank you,

Jordan

From: Megan
To: Jordan
Date: October 26, 2010 10:43 AM

I do not have cankles!!!

From: Jordan
To: Megan
Date: October 26, 2010 10:54 AM

Megan,

Confidence in yourself is always the first step towards good health.

Thank you,

Jordan

From: Megan
To: Jordan
Date: October 26, 2010 2:31 PM

You seriously better not put anything about this in your blog...

Thank you,

Megan

From: Jordan
To: Megan
Date: October 26, 2010 2:38 PM

Megan,

There is only speculation as to whether or not I in fact have a blog. If I did, I probably would not write anything about you as I do not find humour in pointing out the shortcomings or cankles of others.

Thank you,

Jordan

From: Megan
To: Jordan
Date: October 26, 2010 2:41 PM

I read your blog you idiot. And I have neither shortcomings or cankles thank you. :P

From: Jordan
To: Megan
Date: October 26, 2010 2:52 PM

Megan,

Finding truth to your statement "I read your blog you idiot" would be easier were your sentence not sprinkled with evidence that you cannot read past the 1st grade level. I believe what you meant to say was "nor", as in "I have neither shortcomings, nor cankles, nor a tapeworm in my digestive tract, thank you."

Thank you,

Jordan

From: Megan
To: Jordan
Date: October 26, 2010 3:00 PM

You are a horrible person.

From: Jordan
To: Megan
Date: October 26, 2010 3:05 PM

Megan,

Thank you for making me aware of your true feelings, though I feel I must disagree. Perhaps we can discuss this over lunch once you are able to drive your cankle-friendly automobile.

Thank you,

Jordan

Your period is disgusting and so are you.

2011-01-20T09:00:00.000-05:00

Your period is disgusting.

Being a part of the Female Disease, the topic of menstruation is horribly offensive and repulsive, and should therefore be treated with delicacy and shame. But of course, as with all things crass, women think it necessary to act like their monthly belch of blood is something they ought to be proud of, like taking shits and being alive, assuming themselves menstrual masterminds for having produced anything other than mixed-raced offspring.

To the dismay of me and my gag reflex, discussion of this aqueous ailment is no longer taboo. Gone are the days when a woman breathing out of turn or not shucking a sufficient amount of corn would elicit a savage beating from the patriarch or equally suitable man (which is any man). The issue of menstruation is now commonplace as any shop talk at the dinner table, as if the ebb and flow of eggs from a woman's fallopian tubes takes precedence over a man and his laundry-list of legitimate accomplishments, like making bears.

It is because of this ill-begotten pride of the menstrual cycle that I and other disgusted males are subject to tampon commercials, the abundance of which would give the incorrect impression that women are in need of more foreign objects to cram into their cunts. The last thing I want to hear about while I'm eating a Hungry Man and watching television is the latest innovation in blocking the flow of blood from your axe wound, advertised in a manner that portrays your period as a joyous time, rather than its likeness to labia leprosy.

Is your fuck-faucet leaking? Here's a solution: try stitching it shut, that will solve more than enough of your problems. Conversely, bleed yourself dry, and solve at least one of mine.

Real women do not poop.

2010-11-17T10:24:00.003-05:00

Pooping is fucking cool. It is one of the four coolest things in the entire world, like polygamy, the Internet, and Jack Astor's Cheese Garlic Pan Bread. Letting loose a moderately firm stinking pile of my girlfriend's terrible cooking is a pleasure of mine, and all men everywhere share this sentiment, particularly if said loose-letting is rewarded with a ghost wipe.

As with all things exceedingly cool, women are forbidden to take part (that is assuming they are physically capable of such a nefarious offense in the first place). Now before you saturate your jumbo tampon with this month's collection of uterine lining, lay your retaliation to rest, ladies. Or take a Midol. Much to our dismay, we men have been fair: we've already given you the right to vote, your own piece of mind, and abolished the Rule of Thumb, so don't get fucking greedy now. The logic behind my claim will bind your effervescent bowels beyond even the most thorough cock-snaking.

Women do not poop because they are fucking disgusting as it is. Many will assert that men are equally if not more foul than women, and they are wrong: being shamelessly gross is my and every other male's privilege in being a manly man. We choose to be disgusting, whereas women are nauseating by nature - which can be accredited in part to the evermoist swamp of infection festering between their rippling thighs. Shitting would imply that they have yet another orifice from which to expel repugnant garbage. If my cock barfed blood like Linda Blair and smelled like a Beijing sewer I would not be so quick to proclaim my triumphant man shits from the hilltops.

That being said, women who announce their bathroom habits are doomed to failure with the opposite sex. Men want to associate with and ~~date~~ fuck classy girls, not the mayor of Dumptown prating arrogantly about the expulsion of her delicate tummy nuggets. Whether or not she wiped with a doily is of no saving grace. Self-righteous whores who think it their right to poop and share that information should be condemned to catered cunt-cuisine for the remainder of their active sex lives, unless they can manage to ensnare a poor soul lacking the confidence and standards necessary to settle with a decent girl who doesn't emulate the all-manly bowel movement.

My girlfriend, like other real women, does not poop, otherwise of course she would not be my girlfriend but the kind of female compadre I keep quartered in GLAD ForceFlex bags in my closet. As I take pride in guiding her like the small retarded child she is, I make certain that she abides by the "Don't You Dare Take A Shit You Filthy Whore" policy. That is not to say that her asshole is not subject to much handling (or penising), but allow me to make clear that the direction of traffic does not flow outward - in fact it does not flow at all. It's like a party you can never leave, and feces is not on the guest list.

Girls in sweatpants are unattractive.

2010-11-03T11:30:00.000-04:00

I address this reproof to female students, and I do so as it seems that most other women have at least a small portion of their shit together, and have grasped the reality that attaining success in life requires more than an aptitude for not vomiting profusely when massaging their esophagi with big black dicks (this is called deep throating, champs).

Busy though you must be learning from school books and having your vagina pumped to the brimming point with ejaculate to win the approval of your cohort, there is a lesson you ought to learn that would be most beneficial to your education and post-graduate life:

Sweatpants, worn with or without UGG boots, are not attractive. Your learning experience may be highly important to you (like your self-respect, I'm sure), and be that as it may, looking like a dumpy, menstrual, fashion-retarded bag of shit is never the demeanor of one who is professional or has goals (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/goals).

As a favour to those subjected to your equivocated display of self-righteousness: put on some real fucking clothes and make an effort outside your cock-gaming endeavours. At the very least try sporting a pair of yoga pants instead, and shed some light on the fact that you may be attractive, if only in the hindquarters and moderately at best.

Attentiveness to your daily attire could in fact earn you the slightest scrap of respect from your peers. Though "respect" is of course a relative term when it comes to women, your efforts (in this instance, a word with more slack than your vagina) may spark the potentiality of last night's pleasures returning your calls, and that's a start.

Best of luck, frumpy-fannied fucks.

Late For Dinner

2010-10-27T11:30:00.001-04:00

From: Jordan
To: Mother
Date: October 18, 2010 2:33 PM

Mother,

I will be late for dinner as I have an appointment to have my anus bleached at 5:30PM.

Thank you,

Jordan

From: Mother
To: Jordan
Date: October 18, 2010 5:39 PM

Will it no longer be a rusty Cheerio?

From: Jordan
To: Mother
Date: October 19, 2010 7:58 AM

Mother,

If we are using breakfast cereals to describe the quality/brownness of my anus, then it will certainly no longer be a rusty Cheerio, though I am not sure that those were ever a legimate variety of the General Mills breakfast essential. At this point I would liken my anus to an Oat Cluster Cheerio, as earlier this morning I did battle with a particularly stubborn shit.

Anal bleaching is often set up in a series of appointments, by the end of which I hope my asshole to resemble a Frosted Cheerio. Mother, you're a woman. Do girls like this sort of thing?

Thank you,

Jordan

From: Mother
To: Jordan
Date: October 20, 2010 3:04 PM

Thank you for your detailed rendition. Evinrude, most girls would not have read past the first 4 sentences, so your answer is no no NO. You are a wiener.

From: Jordan
To: Mother
Date: October 20, 2010 3:14 PM

Mother,

Perhaps you are only accounting for the population of girls that is afflicted by any number of retardations (down syndrome, PMS, etc.). And although that is 90% of the women on this planet, do you not think there may be some in the remaining 10% of normal females who appreciate a good thing - such as a pearly white anus - when they see it?

Thank you,

Jordan

From: Mother
To: Jordan
Date: October 20, 2010 3:20 PM

No, definitely not.

From: Jordan
To: Mother
Date: October 20, 2010 3:24 PM

Mother,

Okay.

Thank you,

Jordan

The vegan diet lacks vitamin B12 and intelligence.

2010-10-14T22:17:00.001-04:00

Vegans are stupid, whether you have chosen this lifestyle because you are following a trend (aka you're a hippie), trying to lose weight, or you're a pussy and can't handle animal processing.

I can list and explain five reasons why eating meat is awesome, and I am better than you because I do so. And - to be fair - I will not include "because I ate maple bacon for breakfast" as an argument.

1. I ate maple bacon for breakfast.
And it sure as fuck tasted better than pumpkin peanut butter spread on an English muffin. It also provided me with the vitamin B12 and iron necessary to write this masterpiece about how stupid you are.

2. I do not shit with the timeliness and consistency of a rabbit.
Shitting is awesome. I take shits like a fucking black bear, and it is something I look forward to every day, like masturbating and beating my girlfriend. I produce a long and hefty log of macerated meat and gravy once daily: awesome. Vegans drop their stone & pebble loads 2-8 times per day like a rabbit: retarded. Vegans have changed shitting from a daily triumph to a dainty bi-hourly pastime, and their assholes are probably filthier than a Mexican brothel. Did you know that rabbits often eat their own shit? Of course you didn't: you're an idiot. Given your bathroom habits and dietary selection as a vegan, you might as well eat your own shit too. Bringing me to my next amazing argument...

3. The foods I eat do not suck an amputee's nubs.
Everything I eat is delicious: cheeseburgers, steak, fried chicken, pussy, beef jerky, and the like; all foods that are meaty and completely saturated with awesome (and most times fat). Veggie burgers, hummus, tofu and the other shit vegans eat; all marinated in gay and basted with hippie bullshit for that extra tang of suck. The best food I have ever eaten was - not surprisingly - a cheeseburger, on top of which was a delicately piled mound of bacon, pepperoni, and sausage. Said burger would rape any brussel sprout burrito like your sister at a West Baltimore rave.

4. Health choice? Try the "two finger" diet instead.
Diets are stupid. Ladies, you will never look like the model on the cover of any magazine, unless it is "Daily Venus Diva - The Plus Size Magazine for Women with Curves". I say "ladies" because fatties are only ever female. Men are not fat; they are pussies or they are lumberjacks. Muffin-top maidens such as yourselves think it a wise idea to adopt a vegan diet for body-image benefits. Wrong, my saggy-titted Sallys. The only diet to consider is the "two finger" diet, you can find more information about it here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bulimia_nervosa), though I have no idea what the fuck "bulimia" is. If you follow these methods boys will tell you you're pretty, and you won't have to put down your corn dog for a second.

5. If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat.
Animals are inferior to humans, like women to myself. Charles Darwin's theory of natural selection clearly suggests that I skin and sauté that which is subsidiary to me. I may or may not use a seasoned rub. Also, meat tastes great. If God didn't want us to eat animals, he would have made them from beans, soy milk, and other foods that taste like shit and aren't maple bacon.

In case your vitamin deficiency/being an idiot has rendered you incapable of comprehending the point of this blog, please listen to a doctor explain why you're an idiot:

http://drmelissaclouthier.blogspot.com/2007/05/stupid-vegans.html

My name is Darren and I am spiritual and creative.

2010-10-04T13:52:00.003-04:00

Hello, my name is Darren and I am spiritual and creative.

I play the guitar and also the banjo. I am very popular and talented. Today my MySpace page had five visitors. My dozens of fans will ask me "Darren, can you teach me to be a folk rock sensation like you?", but I say "talent like mine is not something you can learn, you are either spiritual and creative as I am or you are not."

The other day I was listening to Justin Townes Earle and drinking coffee in my minimalist-style living room. He and other artists like him inspire me because they are spiritual and creative as I am. I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't heard of him because I listen to music that is very unique. If I ever met him he would probably want to be my friend. We would go to the independent coffee shop where I am a regular and discuss being misunderstood musicians. They bring me tea without my asking because I am a regular.

I am from St. Catharines, but I won't play shows there because they cannot understand and appreciate my music. My harmonies are catchy and my lyrics about owls and nature are metaphorical and not at all cliché, so people should love it unless they are ignorant. Also, everyone who lives in St. Catharines has bad taste in music and only listens to hardcore. They should know that hardcore bands never make it because they are not spiritual and creative as I am.

Once I went on a European tour so as to expose Europeans to my appealing blend of folk rock and tweed suits. Both shows were very successful, I could tell because people clapped when I left the stage. To the disappointment of my fans I had to end the tour, as I was ill-prepared for traveling and ran out of dye for my mustache. Nobody in Birmingham sold Just For Men in Dark Brown and I was unable to headline Miss Moneypenny's, where spiritual and creative musicians like myself always play.

If you like music that is a lot better than other music then you should listen to me. One day I will be even more famous than I already am and you can say "I only liked Darren Eedens before he was popular". That always happens to me with the bands that I like.

Here is my MySpace page: http://www.myspace.com/darreneedensmusic

Women are equal to men, but that does not mean you can hit them.

2010-10-04T11:18:00.001-04:00

Feminism is smart. If I were an idiot and made cool and quirky favourites lists, I would place it in my "Jordan's List of Favourite Fictional Ideas of Imagination and Wonder" list. I would rank it somewhere near Harry Potter, Terry Gilliam's Brazil, and the Holocaust.

Until I read about Feminism, I had a hard time understanding women. In my ignorance I would often liken them to bagels, as they are fun to microwave and have sex with, and easily fed to birds when you wish to discard them. Bagels are also mentally and emotionally challenged. I was mistaken, as it turns out that women are complex creatures with deep and fragile intellects.

Thanks to Feminist theory and the magic of reading, I know that:

Feminism was a movement established for the attainment of rights for all women, NOT to make life easier for women who are dumb, ugly, or gay. Despite sexual preference and aesthetic deficiencies in women, the objective in Feminism is to equate women with the omnipotent Man.

A woman, like my girlfriend, may cook out of necessity or for enjoyment, NOT because it is her duty, or because I have to remind her incessantly to do so. If a hot meal has not been prepared when I return from the lumber yard, I am not justified in threatening to scramble her ovaries with an egg beater. Being a lazy cow is her prerogative.

Women have promiscuous sex because it is empowering and allows them to exercise their sexual rights and hamstrings, NOT because they are the bow-legged fuckdolls of men. A woman's body is her temple and she can do with it as she pleases. If what pleases her is having every orifice stuffed air-tight with cocks, that does not make her a whore. Even if said cocks are black.

I am glad that I have been enlightened by Feminism. And my girlfriend is glad that I do not hit her anymore except during rough intercourse. Our safety word is "equality".

My name is Danielle and I know what men want.

2010-10-01T13:53:00.001-04:00

Hello, my name is Danielle. My friends call me Dee because I said that they should call me that. People ask me "Dee, you go through a lot boyfriends. What's with that?" and I say "I know what men want."

I like to take relationships slow, but boys always fall in love with me very quickly. I say "I respect myself and will not sleep with you unless we are in love" and then they tell me that they love me. Sometimes this takes a whole three weeks but I am patient with things that are good.

Boys like when I express interest in their personal lives. They will make cute faces at me when I ask about their friends' names, phone numbers, and addresses. They also say that I am crazy but that is because they know that we are crazy in love.

I show boys that I care about their well-being. I have them make a chart for me showing where they are going to be and when, but they are very popular and always busy. My boyfriend's cell phone gets bad reception everywhere, so when he is out I text him and leave lots of voice mails about how much I love him and hope he is okay.

But I always give boys the space they need, like when my boyfriend tells me that he would like to have a night with the guys. I like the "guys" very much, even when they have odd names like Krystina and Emma, because my boyfriend likes when I am accepting of his closest friends and wrestling buddies.

I know what men want and am a great girlfriend. A lot of guys break up with me and say that it is because I love them too much. I think that I have a bigger heart than any other girl on the planet because my ex-boyfriends always fall in love with boys instead of other girls. They must know that nobody is better at being a girlfriend than I am.

Hello, my name is Jordan.

2010-09-28T21:24:00.001-04:00

My life consists of my job, my interests, my friends, and going to bed on time.

I work, a lot; perhaps more than your mother ought to when cleaning her husband's house. I am a graphic and website designer, and I wear a cool suit. This is called "earning a living", which you're probably familiar with unless you have a vagina. I also own and operate a business. Naturally, this allows me to kiss a lot of girls, sometimes even with tongues, because they are easy and superficial. I'm living my childhood dream, all that's missing is my mustache and a Hispanic maid.

I am passionate about few things, this includes music, design, and samurai warriors. I listen to music more than you listen to your girlfriend complain during her menstrual cycle. Chances are I like it more than I like you. It is my greatest love, and is better than women (except blowjobs and hot meals). I buy CDs and vinyl, and I play drums. I'm almost as good as Travis Barker. I also design for fun. Like music, I can use the arts as a means of expressing my deepest and most intimate thoughts and emotions. I'm kidding, feelings are gay, but drawing feces and the elderly is neat. Also, samurai are tough and have cool swords.

Working and having sex with my harem of women are tiresome endeavours; therefore maintaining a healthy sleeping routine is the smart thing to do. Sometimes when I'm hanging out with my friends, their stupid friends will ask me "Why are you leaving at 10:30 on a weeknight? We haven't gone to the bar yet." My answer is a punch in the face, because I lift weights and am tough. Ignorant students (so, all of them) leave an unfavourable taste in my mouth, not unlike my mother's cooking. Have fun pissing that beer (and OSAP) out your ass.

My friends are not my family, people who say that are dumb and were touched inappropriately as children. In most cases my friends are better than my family, except we don't bathe together, because that's gross. They are loyal, honest, loving, and I can hit them when my girlfriend is not around. My best friends are four - not four-years old, cumming in your slacks once is enough, thanks - but there are four of them. I could name them, but you are not on the list and would kill yourself because I don't like you as much as you want me to (carbon monoxide poisoning is painless, fag).

I like cheese, rough sex, expensive audio equipment, kitties, and strippers (yes, they like me too). I also have a hard time achieving and maintaining an erection. If you are under the impression that I am an asshole/racist/homophobic/a pedophile/better than you, you are correct.

Thank you.

If you happened to notice that I lifted this directly from my Facebook profile, you are an idiot.

I am a bad friend.

2010-09-28T13:06:00.001-04:00

I am a bad friend.

I am probably the worst friend that anyone has ever had in the history of everything ever. Sometimes I like to make fun of my friends for being stupid, poor, or women. This is the way I behave, and they don't like it because they are intolerant assholes. That being said, my friends are always there for me when it counts: I can depend on them to support me when I have diarrhea or get a bad haircut, and they hang out with me when I find having a life and making money becomes boring and monotonous.

People I am acquainted with are generous and make the effort to invite me out, mostly to partake in unprotected sex orgies and get drunk with them. Even on weekdays. They talk and tell fun stories about me amongst themselves when I am not around, and while often false, these stories help maintain the illusion that I am cool and interesting. They are also always good for a chuckle, because friends like to chuckle with each other, especially when they are drunk.

The best of my friends are so thoughtful as to wait until I am finished my daily routine to inquire my whereabouts, and ask me to get drunk with them. Sometimes they don't call me until 1:00 or 2:00 AM because they know how little I value sleep and the energy it provides, because that is what good friends do, and mine care for me a great deal.

I am a bad friend because I do not consider others while I waste my time with work and other fruitless endeavours that aren't getting drunk. I forget that people might want to see me then and instead of when I go to bed before midnight. I am also a big stupid and cannot understand that alcohol enhances all types of fun, and that I am miserable company of an awful sort unless I am drunk.

Friends, I apologize for being immature and a poopy head. One day I will grow up and understand the important role that you and getting drunk can play in my disheveled life.